Most Delicious Cheesesteak in Philly

On the way out of town, Little and I decided to swing by the end of the Italian Market and try out the ultimate tourist cheesesteak chowdown - Geno's v. Pat's.

Having thoroughly researched the proper way to order a cheesesteak online, I was fully ready to hand over my dollar billz while stating "one whiz wit" which roughly translates to one cheesesteak with cheese whiz and fried onions. However, Little and I both almost immediately agreed that we would prefer provolone (Mistake #1 in pointing out how we were not native Philadelphians).

Then, we stood in line waiting to order until someone pointed out that we were in the line for fries and drinks, not the line for cheesesteaks. Mistake #2.

Then we get to the window, Little orders, this guy with ridiculous Popeye biceps and tattoos demands the money, asks if we're splitting it the food, and then within 4 seconds, slings a cheesesteak so greasy the wrapper is clear. As we walk away, I can't help but notice the infamous sign in the window that sparked controversy a couple year backs.

Yes, it's a "Speak English" sign. You can also get a sweet t-shirt that says "Speak English."

This is America. All I could think about when I saw that sign was the world moving in slow-motion and puppets singing, "Fuck yeah, America, fuck yeah!"

The cheesesteak itself was disappointing. The bread was soggy with grease and the provolone was just a slab of cold cheese. The steak was alright. We only had a couple of pieces in ours and we could barely see the onions. Overall, it was just disappointing.

We finished, unsatisfied, and crossed the street to Pat's King of Steaks. There, we experienced Mistake #3 when I order and don't have the right amount and tell him to "hold on" because I "have change." I then cause the line to back up while I rifle through my wallet for 50 cents of change, all the while apologizing profusely. According to the "internet," when you don't have the right amount of money, they yell at you and send you to the end of the line. Thankfully, I'm sure with my exotic foreign good looks and the lack of a "Speak English" sign, I could get away with pretending to a complete tourist.

Pat's was more promising. There was more steak, you could see the tons of sauteed onions they had on top. We sat down, split it, and started to consume. Midway through, the approx. 6 gallons of cheesesteaky meat oil sitting in my stomach started to sink. It was like I had swallowed a block of trans-fat. We couldn't even finish Pat's (though it was minorly more edible than Geno's).

Conclusion: we both like steak and cheese, but not Philadelphia cheesesteaks (if the definition of a Philadelphia cheesesteak is listed as "gross meat, cold cheese, white bread, sauteed onions, with a delectable sauce of oil and meat fat").


The first one is a picture of Pat's and the second one is a picture of Geno's.

Also, as an addendum, on the way back down, we passed by Delaware House (similar to Maryland house). There was a sign for the next exit and Little, a little overexcited, made her way from the left lane to the right lane. In the middle of her sing-a-long to Carrie Underwood, I point out that like Maryland House, Delaware House was in the middle of 95. A few seconds pass before the implications set in. With probably 100 m left before the exit, Little jerks the wheel, the car FLIES across 4 lanes of traffic. The whole time she's saying, "Oh, don't worry. This car is designed to have no blind spots."

W.T.F.