Longest last day in history

My last day ended up stretching for 48 hours do the food poisoning I suffered. I am assuming it's food poisoning, though I have no definitive medical expertise to verify my diagnosis (WebMD symptom checker = worst idea EVER).

Big did her best to alleviate my pain. She read me bedtime stories (aka she read from restaurant menus and take-out flyers) and rented what is probably the best movie of this decade (aka Fool's Gold, a movie that made Jersey Girl look Oscar-worthy).

When I felt I could handle food products, we went to Shining Star Cafe. I got chicken noodle soup, some toast, and steamed broccoli. The whole time I ate, I stared at this man sitting outside. He was eating a big juicy bacon cheeseburger. It was dripping with grease and calories and fat and I could feel my stomach die a little, but I wanted it. He also was chugging a milkshake. It was too thick for his straw, so he kept having to drink from the cup.

It was awful. It was kind of like teaching a class full of pre-med students and saying only one of them is going to pass. Kind of.

I ate my meal. Sadly. Later that night, as I lay on the tile floor with a bottle of water and a packet of saltines, I had an epiphany. And by epiphany, I mean my disease-ravaged-brain created a vision of what would cure me: ice cream.

I stumbled down the hall and demanded we go get some. Big sighed and rolled her eyes and reluctantly googled local ice cream establishments. I think she finally gave me because I kept referring to a Mr. Snowman and how much I wanted it. "Snow," as I have come to learn, is a street term for cocaine. What I had in mind was Mister Softee, the ice cream truck.

Big reads this delicious amazing menu from a place called Emack & Bolio's. SO DELICIOUS. I make her call the store and we find out it closes at midnight. The time was 11:47. She insists we can run down multiple flights of stairs and walk the 6-7 blocks between her building and ice cream miracle cure. I believe her.

We learned that my slow jog is the same speed as Big's normal walking pace. We also learned that you shouldn't walk on hot asphalt that's just been laid.

We got to the store and I ordered the Deep Purple Cow - black raspberry ice cream with white and dark chocolate chips and blueberries. Big got a waffle cone dipped in rice krispy treat. I actually don't even know how they made it. It looked like someone melted a rice krispy treat and shoved it on a cone. She didn't get any ice cream, she just ate the cone. Here is the menu.

Needless to say, that was exactly what I needed. My stomach felt fine. I was cured!

Moral of the story: ice cream solves all the world's problems.