Clearly not a New Yorker

Bolt Bus was amazing. I slept a little, played Text Twist a little, watched a movie, browsed CNN.

The bus ran a car off the road. By "ran," I mean the bus had its blinker on and it was changing lanes and in the middle of changing lanes, a car tried to pass us. WHO DOES THAT. I am pretty sure, unless you stole a tank from the army, no vehicle trying to pass a bus changing lanes is going to win. Well obvi that car had to swerve onto the shoulder as the bus driver pulled our bus, safely, back into the original lane.

30 minutes later, I glance out the window and laugh at the cars stuck in traffic... until I SEE A CAR EXPLODE. IN THE MIDDLE OF 95! This red sedan just blows up and is burning up and flames are everywhere and police cars have held traffic back. I look around because I want to yell "OMG THAT CAR EXPLODED THAT'S AMAZING" like that kid from The Incredibles. Too bad NO ONE ELSE is awake/paying attention.

Still later, Mr. Chocolate (our silky voiced driver), asks a passenger to take a picture of another Bolt Bus. He acted like he'd never seen one before. Not a good sign.

Other people on the bus around me:

Woman mid-breakup - This woman sat in front of me and from the moment we got on to the moment we got off, she was on her laptop working on the SAME EMAIL. FOR 5 HOURS. How do I know this? Because she'd type a little. Pause and close her laptop and stare out the window. Then open the laptop and delete what she had written and rewrite a new one. I know it sounds creepy, but I could see the reflection in the window. It wasn't like I intentionally kept checking the window/the reflection to see what she was doing. Or anything like that.

Man reading sci-fi - This guy gets on the bus and passes out in 30 seconds with his stupid iPod nano blasting. Then he pulls out his iPhone and starts playing with it. And then he shuts everything off and reads this book with spaceships and aliens on the cover. By the time we get to NYC, he has read the entire thing.

Idiot behind me - Keeps answering his phone really loudly. We pass a sign that says "Welcome to Delaware" and he says on the phone, "Dude, I just woke up. No, I didn't plan to fall asleep. Where are we? 95. Wait, wait. Here's a sign. We're at Dover Newark. Wait, no. That's an exit. We're near Dover Newark." Then as we're about to enter the Lincoln Tunnel. "I can see the skyline. Now we're entering a tunnel. I don't know where this is. There's a lot of traffic. A tunnel."

FAST FORWARD - I get off the bus and walk to the subway. I need to refill my metrocard. I push the buttons on the machine, it says insert card, I shove my card into the machine... and jam it. It's too far in to pull out, and the machine is not accepting it. Instead, the screen keeps flashing "INSERT CARD." There's no cancel button, there's no back button. There's nothing I can do but awkwardly stand there until the people behind me go to other machines. The whole time, I am pretending to buy a metrocard. I take out my credit card, pretend to swipe, and stand so that my body and baggage obstruct the flashing screen. As soon as it gets less crowded, I move to the machine next to me.

As I go through the turnstile, I understand that I cannot carry my kit bag to my side and expect to make it through. Somehow, in my mind, I believe that I can force it through. Like a running headstart and just pop out on the other side. My running headstart ends poorly because my bag gets caught and I end up semi-getting the wind knocked out of me. I struggle. Most people can work their way free. No, I have to have someone help me out with a nice push.

Fab.