Leaving on a jet plane...

My flight left at 6:40. I was supposed to be at the airport at 5:30.

I woke up at 5 AM. In panic, I stumbled around my room in the dark, tripping over J. Crew bags, kit bags, running shoes. Perhaps it was fate or perhaps my mind was functioning at "genius" level thanks to the crisis at hand, but I fell and ripped a J. Crew bag. And remembered that I had bought a lovely dress in Jersey. Since I was flying stand by, I had to dress up and this was perfect. I don't remember the name of the color, but it was something bizarre like persimmon or golden watercress or Kentucky Fried Chicken red.

I grabbed my lovely L.L. Bean tote. Over the summer, a few friends and I had gone outlet shopping. L.L. Bean was one of the stores and they had a bin in the back with embroidered totes that had been returned for whatever reason. We bought a tiny "Abigail Emergency Anaphylactic," a medium "Miss Bunjun," and a GIANT "Soul Rebel." Me and my sweet Soul Rebel bag made it through security, where the man in front of me was pulled aside for security check and where the security guard left him to flirt with me.

When I told a friend later, her reply was, "How do you know he was flirting with you? How do you know it wasn't racial profiling and Homeland Security had marked you?" Well, for one, he complimented me on my dress. He said the dress was beautiful. Then said I was beautiful. And then said my eyes were beautiful. I smiled, awkwardly, and went to grab my Soul Rebel bag.

I figured I had plenty of time, so I went to the bathroom to get my face did. I had read online that if you fly stand by, you should always look super good to impress the airline people into letting you on if there were open seats. I really wanted to make this flight, so I went and did my face. When I got to the gate, the waiting area was empty. Because everyone else had already boarded. I went up to the desk and asked what the chances were of getting on this flight. She looked me over, told me to wait. 30 seconds later, she gave me a seat assignment. As she checked me in, she commented on the lovely color of my dress and how cute I looked.

All I have to say is this dress must be smoking hot because I flew first class. And this trip to Atlanta was much better than last time I flew to Chicago by way of Atlanta. Last time, I sat next to two men who were deeply religious. I didn't realize it at first, until they started making small talk. And giving me a talk about finding God and going to a Billy Graham revival and reading from their Bibles. One guy gave me a Bible comic about making good life choices, right after he asked me (very very loudly), "If this plane went down right now, would you be scared? Would you be afraid of going to Hell?" The other guy talked about his wife. Who he met when they got married because he was introduced to her on the phone. She was his sister's neighbor or something, and they met because of their love for God.

This all ties in together because on the plane, I sat next to a man who saw my Soul Rebel bag and asked me if I was a "sinner." Awkward. I read some magazines, drank my unlimited supply of soda and my complimentary alcoholic beverage. All the drinking caught up with me. As soon as the "buckle seatbelt" sign came on, I realized I had to use the restroom. I got up and headed toward the bathroom when all of a sudden, a flight attendant screamed at me, "What are you doing?! We're landing?! Sit down, sit down!!! You're not allowed to stand up! BUCKLE YOUR SEATBELT." It was like we were going down or it was some sort of landing emergency. She had already strapped herself into the flight attendant's seat.

I went back to my seat, and a few minutes later, another flight attendant came down the aisle to see if I was ok. She asked if it was an emergency, if I needed anything, etc. I told her I was fine, she smiled her polite smile and went off to get the woman across from me another bloody mary.

The Atlanta airport is a nightmare. I bought yogurt from one of the vendors because it looked delicious with granola and berries. The stupid thing cost me $6.27. WHAT KIND OF YOGURT IS $6?! Yogurt laced with gold. Which this was not. There was one saving grace: madras shorts! Everywhere!

Here are my undercover pictures.

Well. Apparently pictures aren't working right now, but when they do...