I now pronounce you...

Thanks to The Washington Post Magazine and Google, I am now an ordained minister.

I can legally perform marriages, Baptisms, and supposedly absolve sins (though the last one seems a little questionable).

If you are interested in any of the above, please let me know.

I definitely should've gotten this done before Vegas.

Drag Queens and giant pizza

The Friday night before I left for Vegas, my friend Joanna (pronounced "Ho-anna" or "Whore-anna" - don't worry about it, she's foreign) were planning on meeting other friends in DC for a night of rabblerousing fun. As a sidenote, I'm not quite sure what rabblerousing means, but I couldn't think of another word to describe drag queens and giant pizza.

There was a rumored drag show in Dupont Circle, which I recently learned is oftentimes referred to as the "Fruit Loop." While in DC, I suggested we descend upon the infamous Pizza Mart and claim ourselves a giant slice of pizza. I can't describe how big this pizza is. Only that it has about 1400 calories per slice.

This is not Joanna. Nor is it me. Or anyone I know, for that matter. It's a picture I googled to emphasize how GIANT this slice of pizza is. And how enticingly delicious. If you look really closely, you can see lakes of grease.

Unfortunately, my dreams of giant pizza and men showboating in dresses was not to be realized this night. Instead, Joanna and I went to watch Hamlet 2 and eat at a late night bakery-diner.

Hamlet 2. What can I say about this movie? It is probably one of the most confusing, disturbing, bizarre, and offensive movies I've seen in my life. And it's nowhere near as entertaining as Superbad. The best part of the movie is the musical performance of "Rock Me Sexy Jesus."

Rock me rock me rock me sexy Jesus. As sung by Phoebe Strole, who at one point in time was part of the cast of Broadway's "Spring Awakening."

When the credits finally rolled, Joanna and I sat in a morbid silence. We slowly made our way out of the theater, trying to fill the awkward silence with small talk. Small talk that ended with the consensus that we were going to Amphora to get fries and pie. I had mentally prepared my body for the prospect of consuming an extra 1400 calories. One way or another, I was going to get that 1400 calories.

The diner is open 24 hours, and when we arrived, there was a good number of people enjoying their fine dining experience. We sat down and were handed these gargantuan menus. Please note the salt shaker for comparison. There was an entire page dedicated to desserts and pies.

My first round was coffee and blueberry pie. When he tried to take my menu, I told him to wait because there'd be plenty more coming. Joanna ordered a side of fries. Please note that she said a "side" of fries and not an "entree" of fries.

Before and after pictures of our delicious first round
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Delicious. Joanna felt sick midway through eating the fries, but I convinced her that it's what her body wanted... no, what her body needed. After thoroughly salting and peppering her plate (would you like a side of potato with your seasoning), she finished.

PIE THAT WAS DELICIOUS.










I would be lying to you if I said that pie wasn't delicious. And I know my blueberry pie. I've feasted on many a pie from the Charlottesville farmer's market (a good portion of those were purchased out of guilt and/or fear) and from a nearby county fair (purchased for similar reasons, except instead of Mennonites staring at me with judging eyes, I bought pie from gun-toting-confederate-flag-wearing-Bible-quoting-Republican-voting ladies. I know this for a fact because their booth advertised all of the above), and this pie was amazing. The crust was perfect. It was soft with a little bit of a flake to it and the blueberries were sweet and good. A lot of pies have a very syrupy filling, one that tastes like you're eating candy because it has too much sugar and too few berries. No, this pie was just... good.

So good that a drunk girl stumbling in for a late night snack with her posse leaned over our table and almost fingered my pie, asking if it was any good. As her blurry eyes rolled towards the back of her head, I stared and shoveled more pie in my mouth. My concern wasn't that she might throw up on me or hit me or something. I was worried she was going to fight me for that pie.

She drifted off, I licked my plate, and all was good in the world.

Round 2 involved an order of hot wings. Half of them regular spicy and the other half hotter than licking the sun. When it comes to spice, I go above and beyond. A large part of it being that, as an Asian, I feel like I'm socially obligated to uphold the stereotype that we can handle our spice. At Thai 99, I would order thai spicy and eat everything without taking a sip of water, knowing that the thai personnel were watching me... judging my spice tolerance. The same at Wild Wing Cafe. One of their spiciest wing flavors is "China Syndrome." Coincidence? I think not.

The two piles represent the two distinct levels of spicy. The moment the plate was set down, Joanna's eyes watered and she claimed the scent had burned away her ability to smell. I blocked out the world and focused. If I learned anything from torturing my body with spicy food for an illogical and irrational fear of failing the Asian race, it's that speed is key. The moment you stop to breathe is the moment your brain finally registers your face is on fire.

I tucked a napkin into my shirt collar (because I am classy, after all), and dug in. Joanna gingerly took one and picked it apart with her knife and fork. By the time she had finished one and a half, I had plowed my way through 6 and my face was smeared with burning sauce.

Joanna finished 2, maybe 3. She then told me it was my responsibility and duty to finish the rest. I wouldn't be able to tell you how they tasted. Hot? I'm not quite sure. The aftertaste was pie. Because I brilliantly figured that coconut cream pie would cure any sort of burning in my mouth/stomach.

Joanna ordered a raspberry chocolate cake next. It was rich, thick, creamy, and incredibly decadent. More brownie than cake. There were layers of chocolate "cake" and chocolate raspberry mousse, covered in thick chocolate delicious. If you were to die by chocolate (and I don't even like chocolate), this would be the way to go.

OMG. There is no baked good this diner can't make. The coconut cream pie was dreamy. The crust was a little overdone, but the filling was light and fluffy and just like cool whip. The coconut is an immediate taste and it lingers ever so slightly, but I definitely wouldn't describe it as "strong." The piece they gave me was gigantic. I ate the whole thing.

Since I had already consumed my daily 5-6 meals, this additional indulgence can be considered "training" and "practice" for my competitive eating.

When I told my parents about my pie eating, my dad said to watch out for diabetes, but not to worry about putting on weight. Good news: I'm genetically above things like weight gain (hypothetical and possibly a horrible misinterpretation of what my dad was trying to say). Bad news: I might have a tape worm (according to House, M.D.).

Google Yourself

I googled myself and died a little on the inside for a number of reasons:

1. According to linkedin, there is another individual with my name. An amazing individual. A woman who has held executive merchandising and product positions in the following companies: Kate Spade, Burberry, Polo Ralph Lauren, Gap, Martha Stewart, Macy's. Hello classy professional lady who I now consider my alternate self.

2. However, I know this relationship between Glam-Winnie and me-Winnie can never exist. We are on opposite ends of the spectrum. She is in charge of buying fancy things. I am training to be a competitive eater. She has people calling her all the time for fashion advice. I have people calling me from passing cars because they think I'm a prostitute.

3. Depressed, I thought of ways to cheer myself up. Mainly reading my old columns and reminding myself that I am so clever and smart and pretty and brilliant and great and clever. Unfortunately, the only thing the "Pavalier Waily" had going for it (my archived columns) is lost in cyberspace. The "newspaper," and I use the term loosely, has updated its webpage. Since my archived page no longer exists, I am refusing to visit the site again.

4. Thus, Pavalier Waily, your website's daily visits count has lost my 200 daily visits.

5. No, I don't regret burning bridges when I left. Especially my swan song, where I insulted the editors, the quality of the paper, and its random choices for censorship. Whoops.

6. Haha! I was also apparently a cheerleader when I was in high school. Fab-u-lous.

Dear Vegas

Dear Vegas,

Remember when you stole my heart and eloped with it in a sketchy run down wedding chapel? And remember how it was officiated by an Elvis impersonator and a Cher female impersonator?

I love you, Vegas.

I am a cheap hooker.

No trip of mine is ever complete without a) getting heckled or b) getting propositioned because people think I'm a prostitute.

After walking from Millennium Park down the Magnificent Mile shopping stretch, Evan gave me directions to get back by bus. It was pretty exciting! Mainly because I got on at the tail end of rush hour and could pretend to be a young professional heading home from a busy day out on the town.

Two things wrong with this scenario.

1. I didn't bring a purse to Chicago and "had" to buy a new one. But for my trek around Millennium Park and down most of the Magnificent Mile, I had been swinging a pretty sweet canvas tote bag from Trader Joe's. The purse I ended up buying still had tags on it. I didn't realize they were visible/hanging out until a bit into the ride.

2. I was scared to death. The bus driver seriously hit like 80 mph in heavy traffic and the bus was swerving and hitting bumps and I was sliding all over the place and flying through the air. Clearly not someone used to Chicago's public transportation.

Evan said to keep riding the bus and it'd stop near the train station near their apartment. I had been in the area before and knew what to look for/expect. However, in the middle of nowhere, the bus driver comes on the intercom and announces, "This is the last stop. Everyone must get off."

I sit there and hope he just lets me ride around with him because this is NOT where I'm supposed to be. He stares at me in the rearview mirror. We are close enough that he can talk to me just fine and I can hear him. Instead, he picks the intercom back up and announces, again, very slowly and very clearly, "This. Is. The. Last. Stop. Get. Off."

I get off and call Evan. I am standing on a corner. Only a few cars are passing by. Evan says he'll come get me.This is the corner I stood on. See. It's a legit corner at a not-real intersection. Some mensfolks drove by reeaal slow and rolled down their windows to ask me, "What're you doing? You looking good." My face must have registered disgust, but I'm not sure because I was trying not to say something stupid. Like, "That makes one of us." Or "Ew. Ew. Ewwwwwwwww VOM."

This was across the street. If you can't make it out, that building is a "Pregnancy Clinic."

Haha, this was right next to it:
RIDICULOUS. It's a Christian video and book store. All I can think of is the pregnancy clinic is one of those make-believe places that promises a lady some significant guidance and health... via the Bible. Except they don't tell you the last part until you're cornered in an exam room. I saw a Law and Order on it once.

Or it's like competing stores. Like a RadioShack and a Circuit City. Which one has the better price for that baby?

Thankfully, Evan came to pick me up rather quickly. He rolled up withou a shirt on because he was getting in the shower when I called. Fearing for my life (and my possible rural farm naivette being demolished), he came to my rescue.

Best Parts

Haha, cops on segways are fairly common. I tried to run after this cop to get a better picture.

Y.E.S.

Must. Finish. Chicago.

As I'm researching things to do in Vegas (which thus far includes shooting a machine gun at a gun store's "ladies night" special), I realized that I can't update on Vegas if I still have so much left from Chicago.
Millennium Park is a public park on the east side of Chicago and it's probably known best for Cloud Gate aka the giant bean. "The Bean," as I'll affectionately refer to it, is like 60000million tons. Or at least I'm assuming it is based on the size. It was constructed from 2004-2006 based on Anish Kapoor's winning design in a sculpture competition. While still being constructed, it was revealed for the Millennium Park's grand opening before being hidden again until its completion. It was inspired by liquid mercury and your image contorts depending on where you stand. If you walk underneath the Bean and look up at its belly, you'll see 4883984 reflections of yourself.

Building it was crazy! It couldn't get too hot in the summer so tourists could still be able to touch it and it couldn't get too cold in the winter so (I don't know even know who would do this) people could lick it and not get their tongues frozen to it. The Bean is also seamless, so getting it welded together was insane.

At one of the entrances to Millennium Park is the Crown Fountain. The fountain is a giant black granite reflecting pool placed in between two large glass towers. The cool thing about the towers is that they're 50 feet tall and covered with LEDs that light up and change so that images of Chicago's citizens show up. During the summer, the towers shoot out water into the reflecting pool where all these children gather in swimming suits to splash around and play. The effect is that the citizens of Chicago are spitting on their children.

See?! How insanely creepy is that! It's a small child's face and the face moves and the kid makes a spitting face and all of a sudden fountains shoot out water.

This is from the side. Please note all the children gather in front of the giant face as it spits on them. A whole new meaning to the term "water sports."
Another creeper picture.

Then there's the Jay Pritzker Pavilion. It was designed by Frank Gehry and it serves at the centerpiece for Millennium Park. The sound system installed in the trellis network recreates a sound similar to what you hear at an indoor concert venue.